Aftermath ( 1994 ) Netflix Review

Starring:  Xevi Collellmir, Jordi Tarrida, Ángel Tarris, & Pep Tosar

Directed By Nacho Cerdà

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0159241/


     If you can stomach necrophilia, and graphic defilement of a corpse, then Aftermath is right up your alley.  I had the pleasure of watching this short a little while ago, but was constantly interrupted by idiot roommates that had to comment constantly at what they were seeing.  Fast forward to today when I was finally able to stream the video without any interruptions, and let me tell you first hand, I was very impressed with work.

     The whole story is focused around Morgue workers and their day to day duties.  Once the day is done, a worker stays behind and decides to do some very unsavory things to a corpse of a young woman.  Nothing more than just that.  All in the span of 30 minutes, which is about most peoples threshold for content such as Aftermath.

     I really liked this short.  It reminded me of the raw creativity of Nekromantik.  Yes, it was a very graphic and somewhat disturbing movie, but hey, some people live for this sort of thing.  I for one enjoyed the fact that there were no actual words spoken.  It was just glances and stares from people to people.  When the morgue worker decides to do his thing, you feel like you're right there with him trying not to get caught.

     Aftermath is definitely not for the weak stomached or sensitive type.  It hits a nerve with you and stays.  I would recommend this movie to the Gore Hounds world wide.

-Mr. What?- ( * * * * )

Suck ( 2009 ) Netflix Review

Starring:  Rob Stefaniuk, Jessica Paré, Paul Anthony, Mike Lobel, Chris Ratz, Alice Cooper, Moby, Henry Rollins, Iggy Pop & Malcolm McDowell

Directed By Rob Stefaniuk

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1323605/


     Indifference can be a total bitch.  I've often said this about a lot of things, but none more than movies.  I really hate getting pumped up over a preview, and then feel so so about the actual movie once i saw it.  Suck is a perfect example of that.  I really thought this movie would have more balls to it considering the cast, but not so.  Maybe if there were a second chance at this, or maybe a re-imagining in say, 3 years, then it would be worth owning.

     Not to say that Suck wasn't funny ( which it was in spots ) or that the makeup was decent ( which it was ) or hell, even the fact that some of the influential heads of Rock/Punk made decent appearances, it was just the story that kind of left me flat. We've seen this format with Queen Of The Damned and Jennifer's Body, and by no means is Suck anything to put in a top 10 list, but at least it tried to be different in a familiar setting.

     The story is pretty simple.  A band at the end of their rope is willing to do anything to be famous, even if it means becoming Vampires.  That's where the Jennifer's Body Reff. comes in a bit.  Though, in JB the band sacrificed Jennifer in attempt to be famous.  It also didn't help that central protagonist of Suck was named Jennifer either.  But I will give this Jennifer ( Jessica Paré ) the nod to better acting and selling the woes of being a Vampire in Goth band, better than Megan Fox did with Her possessed Jennifer.

     I will say that the Cameos made this movie a little more watchable.  Moby as a rock frontman named Beef was funny in itself considering how Moby is.  The rest of the cast wasn't bad either, but at times this movie just lost steam and failed to deliver a better product.  Oh well, at least it's a vampire film without anybody sparkling around a Forrest.

-Mr. What?-

Black Dynamite ( 2009 ) Netflix Review

Starring: Michael Jai White, Obba Babatundé, Tommy Davidson, Arsenio Hall, Byron Minns, Cedric Yarbrough, & Miguel A. Núñez Jr.

Directed By Scott Sanders

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1190536/


     8 months ago I saw a preview for Black Dynamite and lost it.  I didn't know if it was a joke trailer on Youtube, or an actual movie.  I researched it and found out that it was an actual movie, with an actual cast.  To my surprise though, the movie was really funny and at the same time an homage to early Blaxpoitation films of the 70's.  After 3 to 4 screenings I still find new stuff to laugh at or back up the scene to catch something I missed.

     Black Dynamite is the story of an ex CIA/Kung Fu Master/Pimp/total badass who is trying to clean up the streets.  Early on Dynamites brother is gunned down, and BD must find his brothers killer.  As if that's not enough, the local orphanage is being flooded with Heroin, the streets are a chaotic mess, and a new malt liquor called Anaconda is being introduced to the streets with a very nasty side effect.

     The real sealer for me was the extra stuff added to make this seem like an actual Blaxpoitation film.  The grain of the original 70's low budget films is here on dislpay. Also the bad acting and chessy fighting scenes are here too.  Seeing a character take a hit off of an unlit cigarette and cough, watching another character named bullhorn slap an extra ( on accident ) and almost get punched himself, & Black Dynamite try to get serious only to have the boom mic pop into the shot are only a taste of the goodies in store for you the viewer.

      If you liked Dolemite or Coffy then you will love this movie.

-Mr. What?- ( * * * * )

Dread ( 2009 ) Netflix Review

Starring: Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Evans, Hanne Steen, Laura Donnelly, Jonathan Readwin, & Vivian Gray

Directed By Anthony DiBlasi

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1331307/


     Will somebody please stop this madness?  Taking Clive Barker short stories and making them into full length features is bad.  Especially anything from the Books Of Blood series.  Raw Head Rex was terrible, Midnight Meat Train was so so, and now we have this piece of garbage, which is almost completely void of anything entertaining other than the death/torture scenes.  I really hope that Disney gets the Abarat series at least somewhat right.

     Dread is nothing more than a filler movie for Jackson Rathbone during the gap between Twilight and New Moon.  The other actors involved brought nothing worth mention to the table.  Shaun Evans was a total laugh as a bad guy, and probably would've been knocked out cold by anybody else for his constant antics.  What was the purpose of this movie anyway?  To capture on the Torture Porn scene that has almost become a joke in itself?

     Without going on and on, here's the story in a nutshell....  A group of College kids decide to partake in an experiment as to what people dread the most, and as fate would have it, that same dread is used against each other.  I will say that some of the scenes were disturbing, but nothing so much that would make me look away.  It does take awhile for the story to get going, and that is one of the biggest letdowns.  The other being the acting.

     Do yourself a favor.  Read the short story by Clive Barker and be you own judge.  As expected the higher ups are trying to make things easier for the viewer by adding more than the original story had, but the short story is better paced and doesn't make you feel like you're in a video detention camp watching a waste of time picture.

-Mr. What?- ( * )

Shakes The Clown ( 1991 ) Netflix Review

Starring: Bobcat Goldthwait, Julie Brown, Kathy Griffin, Adam Sandler, Blake Clark & Tom Kenny

Directed By Bobcat Goldthwait

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102898/


     There was a time when you could see a cheesy/raunchy comedy that wouldn't offend too much, while still feeling you were "Alternative".  1991 was a huge year for issues.  Rodney King, The Gulf War, Mike Tyson & the arrest, The Discovery of Jeffery Dahmer and his "Hobby", & the collapse of the Soviet Union.  1991 was also a decent year for movies.  Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Silence Of The Lambs, & Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves all came out and did well with audiences.

     By that same measure though, there were other movies that came out not so......well.  Cold As Ice, King Ralph, The Rocketeer, The Super, & Nothing But Trouble.  In the middle of all of the Hollywood Bullshit and big releases, there was the the middle ground.  The ones who almost always go and see movies that critics like, but don't make as much as the bigger releases. That year had some movie just like that.  Naked Lunch, The People Under The Stairs, My Own Private Idaho, & Dead Again.

     Among all of those movies one stood out as almost a total outcast.  Shakes The Clown is really nothing more than a cheap-o movie filmed with a decent cast.  To see Adam Sandler dressed as a clown, beating up mimes is awesome. Robin Williams  makes a hilarious cameo as mime instructor, Julie Brown plays an annoying but lovable girlfriend to Goldthwait's character Shakes, and Tom Kenny ( Spongebob and Chowder ) killed the role as Binky The Clown.

     The story revolves around Shakes the drunken party clown.  Shakes ( Goldthwait ) plods through his job with drunken ease, and little concern.  With his buddies Stenchy ( Clark ) and Dink ( Sandler ), shakes goes through the motion of boozing up, doing parties, and beating up mimes.  His girlfriend Judy ( Brown ) want more out of life than her current occupation, and for shakes to sober up.  One day it is announced that Binky ( Kenny ) will be the successor to a kids show, and not shakes.  That news puts shakes into a deeper depression.  As if that's not enough, Shakes gets framed for his boss's murder.

     All of this wrapped into a little foul mouthed package for you to laugh at.  I really enjoyed the heart of this movie, and was reminded of the early 90's and kinda free cinema.  A few years later True Romance would come out and really set the bar for violent films.  Shakes The Clown would fare pretty well by today's crowd.  Hell, I'm more surprised that the self proclaimed "Juggalos" of the world don't have this movie listed as one of their favorites.

     If you want a good time and some good laughs at the expense of a low budget movie, then this would be a perfect match.  Extra Kudos to Bobcat Goldthwait for being the writer and director at the same time.  Just too bad his career didn't fetch him more that his current standing.

-Mr. What?- ( * * * )

This Film Is Not Yet Rated ( 2006 ) Netflix Review

Starring: Kimberly Peirce, Jon Lewis, Wayne Kramer, Kevin Smith, John Waters, Matt Stone, & Kirby Dick

Directed By Kirby Dick

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0493459/


     Right from the get go, I was hooked.  For the past 10 years I have researched and questioned as to how the MPAA rates it's films.  Just last xmas was a prime example.  The movie It's Complicated came out, and the Mrs. and I decided to attend a screening.  It was rated R, so we headed into the picture with a semi clear head and expected it to be funny.  It was funny, and a good movie but I couldn't figure out why it was rated R.  There was no nudity, Hardly any coarse language, no blood or gore, but a scene where 3 actors smoked a joint.  By that scene alone, it was handed an R rating.

     I was puzzled and pissed at the same time.  How could a movie like It's Complicated get an R rating for a joint, but yet the movie Slap Her She's French not only has drug abuse, violence, and countless other infractions only get a PG-13 rating?  I know that our rating system is flawed, but after seeing TFINYR, I know longer think it's flawed.  I know it's totally fucked.  Well to be honest, I kinda knew it was fucked before, but didn't know how secret the MPAA is.

     This Film Is Not Yet Rated follows director Kirby Dick's documentary about the MPAA and it's terrible vice grip on what we, the viewers, are allowed to see in this country.  Kirby enlists a pair of private investigators to find out more about the MPAA, and the people that set the ratings on movies.  What we find out is that the MPAA is a self governed entity that hands down ratings at will, and has no public record as to who these people are that are responsible for the absurd rating system.

     Along the way, several directors are asked to give their story as to how the MPAA cut, or restricted releases of their movies until the said directors played along ( not of free will ).  Kevin Smith's movie Zach and Miri make a porno was cut down to just Zach and Miri, and slapped with an NC-17 rating until Kevin won an appeals process ( which is also on display ) to get an R rating.
Kimberly Peirce also got slapped with an NC-17 rating for her film Boys Don't Cry.  Why?  for a prolonged Orgasm and  a motion of cleaning the mouth after going down on a girl.

     It's these and other instances that make you want to scream.  By now it's obvious that if you have violence in a film you can secure a PG-13 rating with some tweaking.  Oh but if you have almost ANY sign of adult sexuality, it's almost an instant R rating or the dreaded NC-17.  In other countries it's almost the opposite.  Weird how that works out huh?  As a whole I really liked this movie and found it very entertaining as well as informative. 

-Mr. What?- ( * * * )

True Grit ( 2010 )

Starring:  Jeff Bridges, Hailee Steinfeld, Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, & Barry Pepper

Directed By Ethan Coen and Joel Coen

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1403865/


     For the second time this year, I have seen a remake that was just as good as the original.  The first being Let Me In.  I was like a lot of people and VERY apprehensive when I heard about an American version of the Swedish vampire film Let The right One In.  When I attended the screening, I was floored at how good and very equal the American version was.  The same can  be said about True Grit.  Sort of.

     When it was announced that True Grit was going to be remade, I about threw up.  I could only imagine who some Hollywood douche bags would select for the role of Rooster Cogburn.  To my surprise the douche bags of Hollywood got some of the best directors fit for a project like this, and even sweetened the deal by getting Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and Josh Brolin to star in it.  I still had some concerns though,  How do you take a classic film like True Grit, and re-hash it for the "thrill me" culture to appreciate?  Ethan & Joel found a way.

     This version though, is a lot darker and more violent.  I expected it to be of like this.  You can't take 2 great directors like the Coen brothers and expect them to keep it all ginger beer and twizzlers.  For the most part the story is still the same.  Following the murder of her father by hired hand Tom Chaney ( Josh Brolin, ), 14-year-old farm girl Mattie Ross ( Hailee Steinfeld ) sets out to capture the killer. To aid her, she hires the toughest U.S. marshal she can find, a man with "true grit," Reuben J. "Rooster" Cogburn ( Jeff Bridges ) . Mattie insists on accompanying Cogburn, whose drinking, sloth, and generally reprobate character do not augment her faith in him. Against his wishes, she joins him in his trek into the Indian Nations in search of Chaney. They are joined by Texas Ranger LaBoeuf ( Matt Damon ), who wants Chaney for his own purposes. The unlikely trio find danger and surprises on the journey, and each has his or her "grit" tested.

    The story was still the same, but more violent.  There is no way that they could release the same kind of film the Original was by today's standards.  People would either pan it, or walk out.  So with those considerations, I would say that True Grit was a huge success.  Part of that is the way the characters play off of each other.  LaBoeuf and Cogburn's back and forth bantering was classic and well timed, and young Mattie Ross's very to the point nature, and maturity was played with remarkable skill by Hailee Steinfield. 

     True Grit is an amazing film that was well paced and not hard to watch.  If you have a chance, go see this one in the theaters.

-Mr. What?-  ( * * * * )

You Don't Know Jack (2010) Red Box Review

Starring: Al Pacino, Brenda Vaccaro, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon

Director: Barry Levinson

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1132623/

Which would you choose? A quick painless death or slowly withering away on a cold hospital bed. The courts said we didn't have the right to choose. If we were allowed to die, they simply unhooked the machines and let us go. Unable to move, barely having any motor function. Lying there, slowly starving, til your body finally gives out. One man, sought to change that. This is the story. Dr. Jack Kevorkian created a "suicide assist" machine. Where the patient was able to bring about their own death. A doctor couldn't do it, that would be illegal. So he would set up the machine and let the patient do it themselves.

I remember when this was going on in the 90's. The media painted a grisly picture. "Dr. Death" they called him. Like a sadistic serial killer from a slasher flick. Arresting him whenever he tried to help out a patient. All he was doing was trying to protect our civil rights. Let us choose ourselves if we have the right to die. He never asked for any money. What doctor can say that? This film shows the side of Jack that we never got to see. The humanitarian. The sympathetic doctor who only wanted what was best for the individual. It follows the trials up until he finally got seen in the Supreme Court, no longer charged for assisting suicide, but for murder.

Beautifully shot and brilliantly directed. Al Pacino is in top form. I didn't even recognize him. He really became Kevorkian. Not your typical Friday night flick. It's heavy subject matter, but still it is something worth seeing.

Verdict: * * * *

- Xtoph

Frenemy ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring:  Matthew Modine, & Callum Blue

Directed By Gregory Dark

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1053880/


     First off you the viewer must be warned:  If you happen to see this film listed on Netflix or Red Box, be cautious....  Zach Galifianakis has only a very minor role in this film, but judging from the cover, you would swear that the movie revolves around him.  Not so.  This was another case of the higher ups changing the name of the original movie title ( Little Fish, Strange Pond ) with a dumber, yet catchy name, and Putting Galifianakis's face on it to attract The Hangover crowd.  Only one problem. 
The intended crowd wouldn't have the attention span to give this movie a chance.


    
     Well enough chit chat already, here's the story in a nutshell.  Mr. Jack and Sweet Stephen cruise aimlessly through the streets of LA speculating about life, death, divine will and the force of power that predetermines their existence. Mr. Jack attempts to illustrate to his sidekick the delicate and natural forces of the universe. Sweet Stephen's superficial charm and bloodsucking lifestyle sends him and Mr. Jack on a voyage that is relentless, engaging, (sometimes) and darkly hilarious.



     Frenemy is a very slow starting, and very confusing film.  Once you figure out that Z.G. has nothing to do with the story but just a bit part, you kinda feel cheated and want to turn it off.  I watched The Mrs. drift off into sleep,  and a fellow Cinephile begin messing around with Magic cards rather than attempt to give this movie a chance.  They missed out on some really funny moments, and some violent parts, but all the while they were more engaged in what they were doing.   I will be honest, there were moments where i was bored and wanted to change the disc.


     If you're in the mood for something different go for this then. 


-Mr. What?-  ( * * )

The Fighter ( 2010 )

Starring:  Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Melissa Leo, Mickey O'Keefe, & Jack McGee

Directed By David O. Russell

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0751102/



     Growing up as a kid, I was able to see some of the greatest boxing matches of modern time.  Mike Tyson was a Heavyweight champ, Sugar Ray was still boxing,  Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini was always getting screwed out of a title, and then there was Micky Ward.  I remember seeing some of Micky's earlier fights, and to be honest, felt bad.  The guy never seemed to fight like I thought he should, but being a kid wtf did i know?  My father always rooted for him whenever he was on an early card fight, but Micky always seemed to lose or come close.

     Now as an adult, i was finally able to see how Micky had come from nothing and finally became something.  Just the name of Micky Ward makes any fight fan think of his classic triple bout with Arturo Gatti, dig a little deeper and you'll see why somebody finally decided to make a movie about Micky and his struggle to get to the top.  Unlike other sports movies The Fighter doesn't pull any punches when it comes to the delivery.

     The story of Micky Ward alone is one deserving of attention.  Coming up as a working stiff in Lowell, Mass.  Micky's boxing career is being overlooked in favor of his older  brother Dicky Eklund ( played by an Oscar worthy Christian Bale ), who is heavy into crack cocaine and under the delusion that his own boxing career is on the rebound.  As if Dicky's constant glory hounding wasn't enough to deal with, Micky ( Mark Wahlberg ) must also deal with his mother Alice who is completely domineering, and is blind to Micky in favor of Dicky.

      After getting put in prison for numerous offenses such as Assaulting a police officer, and Crack possession, Dicky gets clean, gets released from prison and begins to train Micky.  All the while before Dicky's release Micky has to deal with constant nagging and complete chaos from Alice and his sisters.  The only solace poor Mick seems to find is in a local bartender named Charlene Fleming.  Charlene is tough as nails, and has a very direct, blunt way of speaking, which ultimately leads to Micky falling in love with her. 

     I could go on and on about how great this movie was, but why?  Everybody else seems to agree.  I was impressed the most with Christian Bale.  I have had the disgust of dealing with Crack Heads in my neighborhood, and Bale's performance was spot on.  The twitching, constant movement, and delusion was played with perfection.  Mark Wahlberg deserves accolades as well for the physical training and boxing displayed in the film.  His acting was par for the course, but this wasn't a typical Wahlberg action film,  It was something deeper and darker.  By the performance alone you could tell everybody put forth a lot of effort.

     The Fighter has my vote for at least 3 Oscar nods including Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best supporting Actor.

-Mr. What?-  ( * * * * )

Tron: Legacy ( 2010 )

Starring:  Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde, Bruce Boxleitner, & Beau Garrett

Directed By Joseph Kosinski

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104001/


     It doesn't matter if you're 6 or 90, there is something for everybody in Tron: Legacy.  Reading all of the so called "critics" reviews you would swear that this was the new Ishtar.  Why?  Because this isn't a Fern Gully rip off with blue monkeys?  Look people, this is NOT Avatar.  Tron: Legacy is better, and has a TON of heart unlike Avatar.  Plus, this isn't a remake.  It's a sequel that took over 20 years to make.  And I for one am very happy the studio took it's time, and yes it shows.

     The story itself wasn't too contrived or bland,  it actually flowed well, and kept me in my seat.  Sam Flynn, the tech-savvy 27-year-old son of Kevin Flynn, looks into his father's disappearance and finds himself pulled into the same world of fierce programs and gladiatorial games where his father has been living for 20 years. Along with Kevin's loyal confidant, father and son embark on a life-and-death journey across a visually-stunning cyber universe that has become far more advanced and exceedingly dangerous.

     Nearly everything about Tron: Legacy was epic.  The CGI for the Cyber Universe was amazing.  Having Daft Punk doing the score really added to the feel of the characters and the world they resided in.  The highlight(s) for me was the revised light cycles and CLU 2.0.  First off The light Cycles were awesome to behold on a big screen.  These newer ones were more agile and seemed to flow at a hypnotic pace.  I often caught myself drooling over the races, and was applauded for letting my inner geek show. 

     CLU 2.0 should be given a lot of credit.  To take a younger Jeff Bridges face, and work it like a puppet to perfection on a digital level, AND make him a main character was epic!  I've viewed this movie twice now, and am still amazed at how good of a job the animators did.  Kudos to all of you involved with CLU 2.0, your hard work shows.  At times you have to shake your head and go "damn, that's awesome".

     I guess if I had any complaint against Tron: Legacy, it would be against the 3D.  I really didn't see the need to add it, because for the most part the movie was 2D and really didn't need to be in 3D.  That's it though, just that small gripe.  As a fan for the original Tron I give this movie my utmost respect and admiration. I saw the First one as a kid in a Drive in, Then as an adult I was very lucky to see the sequel in a theater.  I just hope it doesn't take 20+ years to film another addition to the possible franchise.

     Do yourself a favor, and go see this movie.

Mr. What? ( * * * * )

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010) Red Box Review

Starring: Corey Feldman, Jamison Newlander, Casey B. Dolan, Tanit Phoenix, Steven Van Niekerk.

Director: Dario Piana

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1400526/

The third installment in the series... I'll be honest, I sure wasn't expecting much. Was not too impressed with the second, so I went in with real low expectations. This has a better look and feel. Better script, better acting... and all around is just a better movie. I actually enjoyed it a lot, and lets face it, we're all fans of the Frog Brothers and want more of these movies made... no matter how bad they are.

Here's the low-down. We all know about the Frog Brothers. We open the film with the duo busting in on some political blood-suckers in the expected Frog fashion... too expected. Alan Frog (Jamison Newlander) quips, akwardly, "Holy Shit... it's the attack of Grandpa Munster". Rehashing his best line from the original Lost Boys film. Now, if you've seen the sequel(2008's "Lost Boys" The Tribe"), you know Alan is already a vamp. Turns out the opening is a dream sequence of Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman). We pick up with him getting evicted from his trailer and trying to scrounge up some dough to survive. He meets up with Gwen Lieber (Tanit Phoenix) who tells him up glow-stick waving Raver Vamps passing around a new drug called "The Thirst" at all the parties. Turns out the drug is vamp blood being used to build up an undead army. Edgar accepts the challenge and is partnered with a reality show reject (Steven Van Niekerk) and has to deal with a cameraman tag-a-long.

Best One-Liner: "Vinyl... still shreds!" - Edgar Frog

Verdict: * * * *

- Xtoph

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed ( 2009 ) Red Box Rental

Starring:  Martin Compston, Eddie Marsan, Gemma Arterton

Directed By J Blakeson

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1379177/


      Awesome movie, but be warned......  There is a A LOT of comparison between this movie and Hard Candy.  Small cast kept together, and most of the movie filmed on one or maybe two sets.  Very minimal, but very intense.  TDOAC is yet another staple in the British film section that will go down as a sleeper success.  Funny how the Brits are still more edgy than us at movies sometimes.

     The story was simple, but half way through started getting twisted and interesting at the same time.  A feat which is sometimes unachievable with movies like this.  Two men fortify a nondescript British apartment so it can serve as a prison, and then kidnap a woman and tie her to a bed. Before there's even time to react, we're plunged into a very nasty situation, but not a simple one.

     Like I said before, it's minimal, but dammit if I couldn't turn away for a second or I might run the risk of missing something.  That is what I liked most about the movie.  You had to pay attention to it or you're gonna miss something.  Unlike Iron Man 2 or garbage lie that, TDOAC had that Indie feel, and was an intense film to watch from beginning to end.  By intense I don't mean Saw, or Hostel.  Just imagine being tied to a bed and have to pee in a bottle intense, while your assailants are wearing ski masks and making threats.

     Trust me, if you like films of this nature you will not be disappointed.

-Mr. What?-  ( * * * )

Chloe ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring: Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson, & Amanda Seyfried,

Directed By Atom Egoyan

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1352824/


     Not bad.  For a Red Box rental I was a bit surprised.  I half expected this to be a slow movie with absolutely no feeling or emotion, and a semi hot scene to tie everything together.  Nope.  Chloe was actually a very well done piece of work that should get more credit than it has gotten, and should've had a bigger distribution. 

     I was actually very surprised with Amanda Seyfried.   In between the movies Jennifer's Body and Dear John Ms Seyfried did this little indie flick that should've been pushed more for a bigger distribution.  Her acting next to Julianne Moore was outstanding and very noteworthy.  I can only hope that she lights up the screen with the upcoming release of Red Riding Hood.

     The story was fairly simple..Catherine and David, she a doctor, he a professor, are at first glance the perfect couple. Happily married with a talented teenage son, they appear to have an idyllic life. But when David misses a flight and his surprise birthday party, Catherine's long simmering suspicions rise to the surface. Suspecting infidelity, she decides to hire an escort to seduce her husband and test his loyalty. Catherine finds herself 'directing' Chloe's encounters with David, and Chloe's end of the bargain is to report back, the descriptions becoming increasingly graphic as the meetings multiply.

     I was most surprised at the love scene between Seyfried and Moore.  If you happen to like cougar lesbian Masterbation scenes, then you must rent this movie.  At times the film kinda dragged on, but for every time this happened, better stuff awaited the unsuspecting viewer.

Great movie for a stay home date night.

-Mr. What?- ( * * * )

Faster ( 2010 )

Starring:  Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thornton, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, & Maggie Grace

Directed By George Tillman Jr.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1433108/


     It's about time Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson did another R rated film.  So far, Doom and Southland Tales were the only R rated films under Dwaynes belt.  With Faster, hopefully there will be more offered.  I was getting a little upset at the fact that an awesome personality like Dwayne possess was being wasted on PG-13 films.  Not that there's anything wrong with PG-13, but after so many flops, DJ was fast becoming the New Eddie Murphy.  Not the case with Faster.

     I was a tad bit apprehensive at first when I saw the preview.  Good thing I decided to go against the so called "colleagues" and attend a screening.  WOW.  What a movie!  Faster had everything I had hoped for.  Action, Revenge, and a good cast all rolled into a good paced film.  Dwayne has earned my respect as an actor, and hopefully Faster will open the doors for more roles like this, or at least bigger box office draws, because the guy is totally deserving.

     The story was easy to follow and not full of too much lag time.  An ex-con sets out to avenge his brother's death after they were double-crossed during a heist 10 years ago.   During his campaign  however, he's tracked by a veteran cop and an egocentric hit man. All the while killing almost everybody involved in his brothers death.  Nothing in the world will keep Driver from fulfilling his revenge, or will it?

     I really liked how this movie was filmed with the same edge and grit as the 70's car chase movies, but without relying on the car to sell the whole picture.  Yes, it is a revenge flick, but with a set of balls, and not too much Fast and the Furious cheese.  At times it felt like I was watching a softer Grindhouse movie, but without feeling a bit ripped off.

     All in all Faster was a good movie that should be viewed with as much volume as possible.

-Mr. What?-  ( * * * )

The Lost Tribe ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring:  Emily Foxler, Nick Mennell, Marc Bacher, Brianna Brown, Hadley Fraser, Maxine Bahns, Ryan Alosio, & Lance Henriksen

Directed By Roel Reiné


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0811124/



      Without a doubt, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  I understand that making a horrible straight to DVD ripoff is common, but one of this magnitude should have never been green lighted.  Absolutely nothing about this load of shit is worth your money or time.  Take a pick, everything is bad.  Acting, cast, monster, story, and the list goes on.  Maybe somebody tried to make The Lost Tribe watchable, or had good intentions to, but failed with great success.

     For starters lets start with the story.  Without going on and on, here's the skinny......  After a devastating boat crash, a group of friends are stranded on an uncharted island where they encounter an ancient tribe of humanoid creatures.  Yep.  Take the shows Lost, Gillgan's Island, and cross them with a creature that looks a very bad hybrid of The Predator, and the white apes from the movie Congo.  And that people, is exactly what The Lost Tribe was.

     I would go so far as to say that this bomb would get the nasty title of "Sci Fi movie Original", and totally live up to the horrible title.  Yeah man, anytime you hear those words in a sentence, you know that it's going to suck.  In all fairness though, what would you expect from a movie that uses an Image of a Predator looking creature on the cover, but gives us something completely different?  Or better yet, shamelessly rip off TV shows, and other movies trying to create something "original" for a unsuspecting viewing audience?

     The Lost Tribe is an awful movie, and you would be better of saving your money for something else.

-Mr. What?- ( no stars )

Cornered! ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, James Duval, Peter Story, Elizabeth Nicole, Eduardo Antonio Garcia, Ellia English, David Basila, & David Jean Thomas

Directed By Daniel Maze

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1151911/


     Daniel Maze, you should be complemented.  You have given us B Movie Beasts' something to buy, and put into our collection.  Never mind that Mahoney from Police Academy is your biggest name billed, or the fact that this movie was never given a chance be seen with a decent distribution ( other than straight to DVD) You sir, have impressed me and several others, and for that I say Thank-fucking-god.  Cornered! was a trip back to VHS Friday Night Horror Fest.

     As you can obviously tell, I fucking loved this movie.  It's not the best and certainly not the worst, but it has that solid feel that at least somebody tried.  Unlike other so called horror movies, this one had all the right mix of tempo and delivery.  It took a bit for us to really see anything violent, but it the story built up the tension and never backed off.  I guess this is why I find movies like this one so entertaining.

     The story was really simple and didn't focus on too much on just one character, it focused on everybody involved, and how their own fucked up life couldn't matter more than a guy with Bondage mask killing the dick out of everybody.  that alone, besides the choice of mask ( genius ) made for a good believable villain.  Here's the 4-0......

     Somebody is killing convenience store customers and owners inside of the stores.  We happen upon a ratty, trashy store in SO CAL that would rival any ghetto store.  Junkies, phone sex operators, hookers, and a fat ass doughnut eating wimp run the place ( or better yet live there ), while their scumbag boss watches their every movement, records it, and hides the tapes.  One night during their weekly poker match they get locked in the store with a gimp maked killer picks them off one by one.

     Look, this isn't that goddamn unoriginal blue ape movie called Avatar, it's a good rental for a buck, and is EXACTLY the type of movie I could fuck somebody after, or during and not feel like Al Franken.  if you're going to take a chane on a movie. i would highly recommend this one. 

Mr. What ( * * * )

Afterlife ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring:  Christina Ricci, Liam Neeson, Justin Long, &
 Chandler Canterbury

Directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0838247/


     The Mrs. and I were picking some movies for me  to review, and she came across this.  Actually, she saw Justin Long's name and had to rent it.  I laughed, and read the story line.  Seemed interesting and somewhat original, so what the fuck, I gave it a shot.  I was surprised.  A good cast, original story, and decent pace made for a great viewing.  I'm actually peeved that this didn't get a better push for a major release. 

     I was sucked in by the story, and later by the twists and turns.  The story you ask?  seemingly simple but a little complex at times.  After a horrific car accident, Anna (Ricci) wakes up to find the local funeral director Eliot Deacon (Neeson) preparing her body for her funeral. Confused, terrified and feeling still very much alive, Anna doesn't believe she's dead, despite the funeral director's reassurances that she is merely in transition to the afterlife. Eliot convinces her he has the ability to communicate with the dead and is the only one who can help her. Trapped inside the funeral home, with nobody to turn to except Eliot, Anna is forced to face her deepest fears and accept her own death. But Anna's grief-stricken boyfriend Paul (Long) still can't shake the nagging suspicion that Eliot isn't what he appears to be. As the funeral nears, Paul gets closer to unlocking the disturbing truth, but it could be too late; Anna may have already begun to cross over the other side.

     Truthfully, if you're going to spend 1.00 on a non Hollywood pushed movie, then do so with Afterlife.  At times the pace may seem a bit slow, but be patient, the end is worth the wait alone.  Everybody listed above for the cast was on point, and had their roles locked on their character.  I was the most surprised with Justin Long.  At no point did he seem like he was phoning the performance.  Honestly, if you want something more than the usual cheap movies, then check this one out.

( * * * )

-Mr. What?-

Night of the Demons (2009) Red Box Review

Starring: Shannon Elizabeth, Diora Baird, Edward Furlong, Monica Keena, John F. Beach, & Bobbi Sue Luther

Directed by Adam Gierasch


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1268809/


     For as much as it wants to be, Night Of The Demons is nothing more than a waste of money.  There is nothing worth comparing to the Original 1988 movie.  NOTD felt like it was a half ass attempt at doing a decent remake, but fell terribly short, panicked, and sent this garbage straight to DVD.  In hindsight i wish it was never released.

     The story was simple enough to play with.  A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons.  simple stuff right?  The original movie was, at best, a decent B horror movie with the right mix of comedy and horror.  The remake was an epic fail.  The list of reasons why it was awful is plenty, but I'll try to condense it.

     For starters, getting Shannon Elizabeth to play the role of Angela was a bad mistake.  Hello?  she was the wrong person to cast for this movie, and her attempt at acting more than proves it.  The music soundtrack was another horrible misfire.  Almost every song played throughout the movie felt misplaced and unfitting.  Yeah, Type O Negative is cool, but hearing Black No. 1 during the part it was chosen for felt off, and was kinda cheesy.

     With all of the bad timing, laughable story, and even worse casting, there were some funny parts.  I laughed the hardest at the terrified party goer who asked the best question heard in a bad horror movie recently.  "How do you know that Pantry isn't french for fucking death trap?!?!"
With that scene and a few others it made me not so pissed that I wasted a 1.00 on the rental, but didn't take away the let down of seeing one of Fav. B movies being desecrated by the foreign chick from American Pie with the shaved pussy.

     If you want to see a Demon have forced anal sex with a chick and turn her into a demon, then rent this flick.

-Mr What?- ( * * )

Paranormal Activity 2 ( 2010 )

Starring: Cast Not listed.

Directed by Tod Williams

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1536044/


     This Movie was Terrible.  I don't care if you consider yourself a Horror fan or not, Paranormal Activity 2 is nothing more than another way for Hollywood to jack your cash.
Despite the obvious ass kissing from USA Today, and Entertainment Weekly PA2 is a complete let down and should be burned.  Save your money folks, because this movie is a not worth your cash.

     As with any low budget sequel you almost expect it to fail, and fail it did.  It took almost a solid hour for ANYTHING to happen.  Yeah, yeah, the spooooooky thumps are there, but where is the creepiness from the first movie?  In PA1 we were treated to tons of stuff going on at night throughout the movie.  With PA2 we are forced to sit through a dull and very slow start.  There were more scenes in daylight than there were at night.

    
     What really chapped my ass was the "prequel" pitch.  OOOOOOOOOO so Katie is in this one.  Big Fu*king deal.  Must be nice to go back and make it seem like Katie and her husbands demise coincide with the "new" haunting from what seems to be the same demon.  Lame.  What was also lame was the amount of time spent trying to set up any sort of story.  At one point the teenage daughter is talking with dad about the possibility of a ghost, and suggests it might be her mom.  WTF?!?!  so the woman that just had the baby isn't her real mom?!?!?!  Ugh..

     Before I go on let me at least tell you about the "story" After experiencing what they think are a series of "break-ins", a family sets up security cameras around their home, only to realize that the events unfolding before them are more sinister than they seem.

     Don't buy into this load of Garbage.  Like I said, the scares were waaaaay weaker than the first, the story is so far fetched and rushed I swore it was wrote by a 1,000 angry tweeters, and to be honest, it shouldn't have been rated R.  I can understand the need to at least see PA2 and rate it to the first one, but if you can pirate a copy and save some money do that instead.

     Overall this was not worth the price of admission and should be removed from the Theaters before it makes more people feel cheated.

Mr. What?  ( no stars )

Jackass 3D ( 2010 )

Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Spike Jonze, Chris Pontius, Jason Acuña, Preston Lacy, Ryan Dunn, Dave England, Ehren McGhehey, & Jeff Tremaine

Directed By Jeff Tremaine

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1116184/


     *Before I give my review Let me say this........  If you didn't really like the shows, or either movie, then you will not like this one as well. If you are offended by full frontal Male Nudity, a Penis cam, Wicked stunts, and cruel pranks, then go see Secretariat.*


     Knoxville and the boys are at it again, for what could be the final installment of Jackass movies.  If this is the case, they ended it on a solid note.  The stunts, pranks, and pervasivity of the this movie were far more fun and shocking.  Not so much poo and potty play this time around though, instead we are treated to men in their late 30's/ early 40's going all out and trying to end the series on a great scale.

     All the cast members are back, (so nobody was absent from the mayhem) everybody had at least 2 to 3 home run skits,  and we finally get to see Pontius expose his "manhood".  Absent was the drag in the film where the guys just stuffed filler into the mix to make the 90 minute running time.  Also, the pranks were a lot more funny and violent.  I really enjoyed the Bam snake pit.  If you've seen the second one, you know how he hates snakes;)

     I was a little off put with the absence of Party Boy.  I felt that there has to be some country or state that he could still mess with and not be noticed.  The only bad part about the screening was the crowd.  We had drunks who threw up on people, and brought tons of bottles into the theater.  Sorry kids, but we feel that if you wanna see a movies "faded" do it in your car before the movie, and not in the theater.

     Folks, there's nothing more really to say without sounding pretentious.  Do yourself a FAVOR AND SEE THIS MOVIE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, OR AFFORD, YOU WILL NOT BE LET DOWN!!!!!!

Mr. What? ( * * * * )

My Soul To Take ( 2010 )

Starring: Max Thieriot, John Magaro, Denzel Whitaker, Zena Grey, Nick Lashaway, Paulina Olszynski, Jeremy Chu, & Emily Meade

Written and Directed by Wes Craven

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0872230/

   
      Finally, Wes Craven is back.  Sort of.  My Soul To Take isn't as groundbreaking as say, Last House On The Left or Nightmare on Elm Street, but it has it's own quality about it that makes for a fun time at the movies.  Like many other people I was getting tired of Mr. Craven releasing his earlier works to be Remade.  With the exception of maybe one remake, the rest were just awful.  I hated Last House On The Left, Couldn't stand Nightmare ( except for Jackie Earle Haley ) and felt cheated that Wes wasn't doing anything new.  I was Wrong.

     My Soul To Take has been hyped up non stop, but with a twist.  The commercials made it look like an updated version of Scream.  Well people, THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  The trailers are very misleading, and kinda geared for that scream crowd, but trust me, it's not.  The first 20 minutes can be a bit confusing, but hang in there and pay attention, you won't be let down.  Well, unless you have no brain or no sense of originality.

     Oh the story?  In the sleepy town of Riverton, legend tells of a serial killer who swore he would return to murder the seven children born the night he died. Now, 16 years later, people are disappearing again. Has the psychopath been reincarnated as one of the seven teens, or did he survive the night he was left for dead? Only one of the kids knows the answer. Adam "Bug" Heller (Max Thieriot) was supposed to die on the bloody night his father went insane. Unaware of his dad's terrifying crimes, he has been plagued by nightmares since he was a baby. But if Bug hopes to save his friends from the monster that's returned, he must face an evil that won't rest...until it finishes the job it began the day he was born. 

     And there you have it.  Surprisingly, the story isn't as cheesy at it sounds, and keeps you guessing until the end.  There were also some subtle nods to previous Wes Craven movies ( Last House, and nightmare ) but not so much that it would seem tacky.  The only bad thing about My Soul To Take ( if there was any ) is the 3D.  I know why the studio pushed for 3D, but this movie didn't really need it.  The 3D was almost non existent, and having those dumb fucking glasses on my face for almost 2 hrs got annoying, but the story kept me glued.

     Overall, the movie was great but the 3D was very lame and distracting.  Can't wait to see it again without the glasses.

Mr. What?  ( * * * )

Case 39 ( 2010 )

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Renée Zellweger, Jodelle Ferland, Ian McShane, & Adrian Lester

Directed by Christian Alvart

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795351/


     To say that Case 39 is misleading, is to put things lightly.  C39 is what i hate about modern "Horror" movies.  There was nothing Horror about it, and it to call it a Horror Movie is insulting to the very term Horror Movie.  It was dull, drawn out, slow moving throughout, and had zero connection with an audience.  I felt like walking out Half way through, due to onset dumb movie narcolepsy.

     The acting wasn't bad at all (which actually kind of saved this garbage heap) but even with a decent cast and great film location (Portland Oregon) it was too much for anybody to sit through.  The whole movie felt like it was caught in the confines of the Pacific Northwest weather ( gloomy, dark, wet, and depressing) and took waaay too long for any real action or suspense to kick in.

     The story was a pretty simple one.  Case 39 centers on an idealistic social worker who saves an abused 10-year-old girl from her parents only to discover that the girl is not as innocent as she thinks.  To me it felt like The Omen meets The Orphan, sans a 30 something chick dressed up like a little girl.  Not only was the story kinda of dull, the pace for which it was set was agonizingly slow.  I have said this many times before, but you cannot have a decent movie with a slow and dull pace.  The audience grows bored and begins to fidget with cell phones checking how time is left.

     On the plus side, it was nice to see Bradley Cooper step out of his type cast role to try something different.  Until he met his demise that was the only thing that kept my interest.  Miss Zellweger showed that she could handle a so so role like this and still make it semi fun to watch.  Not all of the move was so bad.  There were some decent implied "Messed up" moments.  One of which had a family throw their little girl into the stove and light it.  No real gore, but f'd up to think about.

     The last thing I felt was bad was the R rating.  I think I heard the F word three to five times and the gore, or lack of, was not enough to warrant an R rating.  Maybe sometime soon we will get a solid hard R rating for a solid Horror movie.  Oh wait thats right, just wait 2 weeks;)

Mr. What? (* * )

Let Me In ( 2010 )

Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins, Cara Buono, Elias Koteas, & Sasha Barrese.

Directed By Matt Reeves

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1228987/


Among American versions of recent foreign movies, arguably none has faced the same chariness and doubt that awaits "Let Me In," a remake of 2008 "Let the Right One In.” 

A moody, black-humored variant on "E. T.," Tomas Alfredson's Swedish original focuses on a lonely, bullied boy whose life is changed by a new kid in his apartment complex -- a girl who goes shoeless in the snow, solves Rubik's cubes in moments, scurries up buildings and trees, and, oh yeah, drinks blood to live.  The film moves with strange, creepy energy and is populated by characters who delicately walk a line between charm and grotesquerie.  It’s a treat.

And hey, whattaya know:  "Let Me In" manages to capture much of the essence of the original -- so much, in fact, that it feels a mite redundant even as it bears its lineage with honor.  Director Matt Reeves ("Cloverfield") has pared some elements from the original, but he moves his film with a similar confidence, poise, sad beauty and droll wit.  And while he has added a splash of conventional horror, "Let Me In" is as compelling (if, inevitably, not as fresh) as its source, and, like Reeves' "Cloverfield," injects new life to an often-tired genre.

Kodi Smit-McPhee ("The Road") stars as mopey child-of-divorce Owen, Chloe Moretz ("Kick-Ass") gives another preternaturally grown-up performance as Abby, his bloodsucking crush, and such stalwarts as Richard Jenkins and Elias Koteas offer moments of substance.  Reeves, though, is the standout, marshalling the look and flow of the film as surely as he does the performances.  He has taken someone else's work and so infused it with apt and knowing choices that if feels as if it began with him personally -- a heck of a thing to achieve with such a potentially dubious project.

Mr. What? ( * * * )

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

Starring Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Wentworth Miller, Boris Kodjoe, Kim Coates, Shawn Roberts, & Spencer Locke

Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220634/


    
     This movie was terrible.  Why bother anymore?  The last Resident Evil was such a slap in the face of gamers it should have been burned.  Now, years later some idiot thought it would be cute to revamp the dead horse, but this time in 3D.  Everything about RE4 was wrong.  the acting was a joke, the story was a complete rip off of Escape from NY, and having not one man in on the good action was not only very sexist, but beyond cheesy.


     What i hated about RE4 most was the inconsistencies and blatant rip off of other movies.  Case In Point #1:  Early on in the film Alice loses her powers and thanks Wesker ( a terrible Shawn Roberts looking like a white morpheus ) for turning her human again, only to crash the aircraft into the side of a mountain, and walk away unhurt.  I call bullshit on that.  Case In Point #2:  After ripping off Escape from New York and the Matrix, we the viewers are treated to Alice loading a pair of shotguns with quarters.  Next we see alice with the shotguns on her back running through a zombie gauntlet and then pull the shotguns and fire them without a single quarter falling out of the barrel while she pulled them.  Bullshit again.

     I won't even comment on the acting.  OK I will, but only to point out how terrible it was.......

Alice:  Totally Pathetic attempt at any sort of action hero.

Claire:  Yeah who was the idiot who gave Ali Larter this role?!?!  Hey Ali, note to self: Stop trying to pass as any sort of actor/actress cause that boat left looooong ago

Chris:  Channing Tatum called and wants his look and style back.

Shawn Roberts: Nice touch on ripping of the Matrix and making Morpheus white.

     It also must be said that the production sets looked like they were bought wholesale at the "Look Futuristic" store, because everything about them was a total visual abortion.  Oh, and did i mention how much the Matrix was ripped off?  Every damn thing that the matrix did in 3 movies, this piece of shit tried to do in one.  Oh I am so sorry.  My friend pointed out that they also ripped of blade 2.  See?  Even a guy not in this f'd up industry can see garbage when he see's it.

     The zombies were almost not in the movie.  It took almost an hour  from the first on screen zombie attack to the next.  Even then the zombies were tiresome and totally contrived.  I felt it looked like somebody fudged on the budget and decided to make all of the dead people look the same.  I mean, isn't this the balls of the franchise?  zombies?  So why take the only remaining good thing about this muck, and not hype that up?

     Last thing I'm gonna say is even the decent 3D couldn't save this film.  I really liked the 3D, but kept getting distracted by the stop and start motion rip off ala matrix.  Do yourself a favor, ignore this movie.

Mr. what? (no stars)

Piranha 3D ( 2010 )

Starring, Christoper Lloyd, Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Jerry O' Connell, Steven R. McQueen,  & Jessica Szohr

Directed By  Alexandre Aja

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464154/

   

      If you came to see the next Avatar in 3D adventure, well you are totally out of place.  Piranha 3D is nothing more than a great splatter movie in 3D.   Not Too much sex, but with all of the half nude bodies, Gruesome Gore and attacks and seemingly endless bare boobs and big booty's, it almost seemed like a miracle this movie was released.  to the naked eye, it looked like there were almost no R rated movies this summer, and the only one that got any sort of attention was that overbloated, thin story The Expendables.


     Piranha 3D is a remake from of the 70's camp classic directed by Joe Dante.  In the current state, or lack of, Good remakes, P3D slides past the rest and leads the pack.  To say that director Alexandre Aja has a nack for turning stomachs, is to put it lightly.  With P3D you get a typical Spring Break crowd being devastated by prehistoric fish, with plenty of 3D Boob shots and Blood in it's wake.

     The story is simple.  A crack opens at the bottom of a lake, releasing thousands of prehistoric fish hellbent on tearing apart anything in their way.  As usual the town has no idea what is about to happen, nor do they seem to care when warned almost at gunpoint by the local law Enforcement.  Maybe it's better that way.  I really enjoyed watching your typical MTV beach crowd be torn to ribbons. 

     The cast was, in my opinion, spot on for the film.  E. Shue reminded me of her AIB days, jumping all over the place, and not affraid to get dirty.  Ving Rhames was great as the Deputy sidekick, and both Jerry O' Connell, and Eli Roth stole the show as a sleazy Girls gone Wild type director, and a cheesy spring break DJ.  Both of their deaths are great and bloody, but O' Connell's character has a little something for your pervasive 3D gorehound.

     Overall i felt that P3D did exactly what it had set out to do.  You will walk away from this movie either laughing at some stuff, or shaking your head at some of the story.  Either way, you will not be let down.

Mr. What?  ( * * * )

Machete ( 2010 )

Starring: Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jeff Fahey, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, & Lindsey Lohan

Directed By Ethan Maniquis & Robert rodriguez

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0985694/




Often we complain that trailers give away the whole plots of upcoming movies, but I don’t expect that to be the case with “Machete.” The film began as a trailer, you see -- or, more technically, a spoof trailer sandwiched between the larger parts of the 2007 portmanteau movie “Grindhouse.”

That quite funny clip ran about two-and-a-half minutes and featured Danny Trejo, the tough-guy actor with the face like a walnut shell, as a former Mexican law enforcement officer hired to assassinate a Texas politician.  Double-crossed by the folks who gave him the job, Machete launches an all-out assault on his betrayers, abetted by a shotgun-wielding priest (Cheech Marin) and an army of illegal immigrant day laborers.  (Yes, you really can tell all that from the original trailer; maybe it did reveal too much....)

Now Robert Rodriguez, who directed that spoof trailer, and Ethan Maniquis, his frequent editor, have combined to turn the original brief joke into a feature film, fleshing out the story, adding characters and subplots, and turning what was, in effect, a barroom jest into a full-fledged narrative.

In a sense, its origin makes a special case of “Machete” -- you can’t criticize a movie for being thin on plot or cartoonish or ridiculous, after all, when it has its seed in a parody of an ad for an over-the-top exploitation picture.  That said, Rodriguez has so often been so slipshod in deploying his talents and indulging his sometimes sophomoric tastes that it’s possible, in theory at least, that he might swing and miss at even this slowly lobbed pitch and turn it into a tiresome one-note joke like “Snakes on a Plane” -- with blades instead of fangs.

Happily, Rodriguez has mostly avoided his own worst tendencies.  You wouldn’t call “Machete” a well-made movie -- it’s sloppily crafted, silly, self-satisfied.  But it provides, more or less, everything that the original trailer promised: lurid action, gratuitous nudity, absurd humor and the glaring, taciturn Trejo, who can’t act, exactly, but sure can signify.  This is, in effect, the film that “The Expendables” wishes it were: raw, macho, funny, up-tempo and disposable in the best possible sense.

The full-length “Machete” adds dimensions that the spoof trailer couldn’t contain.  There’s a (fairly muddled) political story about a state senator (Robert De Niro, milking a cheesy Texas drawl with glee) running on an anti-immigration platform and engineering a fake assassination attempt to boost his bona fides.  There are two women of Mexican descent: a taco vendor (Michelle Rodriguez) who serves as a kind of Harriet Tubman for immigrants and an border agent (Jessica Alba) who wants to shut down the other gal’s network.  There’s an uber-villain (Steven Seagal) who runs the Mexican drug trade and has been trying to kill Machete for years.  And there’s a vigilante (Don Johnson) who’s willing to execute anyone to secure Texan sovereignty.

If this sounds like a lot of potentially heavy stuff for an action picture, rest assured that the political satire and commentary merely provide backdrop for flying bullets, swinging blades, spurting arteries, naked babes, and tough-guy one-liners (“Machete don’t text” is tattoo-worthy).  The film takes absolutely wild-eyed delight in viscera, gore and grotesquerie (to wit, one poor fellow’s intestine is used as an escape rope, while another man is quite explicitly crucified).  Not only doesn’t “Machete” have good taste, it has never heard of good taste.

But what “Machete” does have -- and what saves it from itself -- is comic bloodthirst, shameless vulgarity and the determination of Rodriguez and Maniquis to wink at their audience at every moment (anyone who casts Seagal these days is surely engaged in facetiae of a high order).  You can’t always count on Rodriguez to get the balance of lunacy, competence and coherence right.  But here he more or less gives you exactly what you were looking for: 100 or so minutes as bloody, excessive and ridiculous as those initial 150 or so seconds.

( * * * )

Mr. What?

The Expendables (2010)

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, and Steve Austin

Directed By Sylvester Stallone

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/

     Before anybody goes to this movie be warned.  The commercials with Arnold, Bruce, and Sly is only a bit scene, and nothing more.  Which, to me, is better that way.   Stallone once again proves that age is nothing but a number.  Yes, he used some stunt guys and some rough camera work to hide it, but you really have to look or be anal about it to really notice.

     Also, the story and acting could be a little better, but only by a little.  The Expendables delivered at almost every level possible.  High Octane action, well choreographed fights, and buckets blood and piles of human goo.  The whole movie reminded me of a total action flick for men and women.  You had the macho manly man man, and nice bodies for the women to "glance" at. Hahaha. 

    When I attended the Screening I was surrounded by Jocks, Emo Kids, Scenesters, and about 38 women.  At times I felt a bit nervous about these different camps being under the same roof.  On any given day this woudl've been a total nightmare, but as suprising at it sounds, not one sound could be heard.  Well, except for cheers and ooo's and ahhh's.

     The story is pretty simple.  Barney Ross ( Stallone ) heads up a team of Mercs. that would more or less destroy anything alive, and from the opening gun fight scene you get an idea as to whats in store.  After a recent Job Barney is approached by the mysterious Mr. Church ( Willis ) about a high risk job on an island.  Ross accepts, and heads out to get the job done.

      Thats it.  Nothing new or Old, just an in between story, and ALOT of chaos and destruction.  Personally though, it was what this summer needed.  So far this summer there have been maybe 2 or 3 R rated movies in a sea of PG-13 movies.  It was nice not to see yet another movie sellout at the last minute for a lesser rating ( cough cough The Other Guys cough ) like everybody seems to be doing.

     What I really like about the Expendables were 2 things.  The Cast, and the fights.  What better way to than to get a trained cage fighter ( Couture ) and a former Pro Wrestler ( Austin ) to fight it out on the big screen and totally sell it?  Well, Stallone as director did.  The Cast is the real heart of The Expandables.  Ranging in age from Late 30's to early 60's, The Expendables showed us that even middle aged men and so called Dinosaurs can whip any action star out there who wasn't in the film.

     C'mon look at how much beef was in this movie.  It made me think of the days when you saw these stars names, you know the movie was going to have some sort of manly action, as opposed to this emo Scott Pilgrim bullshit.  After all, there is only so much of this Kiddie movie crap one can stomach, and after a summer of totall bullshit movies, it was nice to see some dick and balss at the movies.

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Mr. What