Monday, November 29, 2010

The Lost Tribe ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring:  Emily Foxler, Nick Mennell, Marc Bacher, Brianna Brown, Hadley Fraser, Maxine Bahns, Ryan Alosio, & Lance Henriksen

Directed By Roel Reiné


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0811124/



      Without a doubt, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  I understand that making a horrible straight to DVD ripoff is common, but one of this magnitude should have never been green lighted.  Absolutely nothing about this load of shit is worth your money or time.  Take a pick, everything is bad.  Acting, cast, monster, story, and the list goes on.  Maybe somebody tried to make The Lost Tribe watchable, or had good intentions to, but failed with great success.

     For starters lets start with the story.  Without going on and on, here's the skinny......  After a devastating boat crash, a group of friends are stranded on an uncharted island where they encounter an ancient tribe of humanoid creatures.  Yep.  Take the shows Lost, Gillgan's Island, and cross them with a creature that looks a very bad hybrid of The Predator, and the white apes from the movie Congo.  And that people, is exactly what The Lost Tribe was.

     I would go so far as to say that this bomb would get the nasty title of "Sci Fi movie Original", and totally live up to the horrible title.  Yeah man, anytime you hear those words in a sentence, you know that it's going to suck.  In all fairness though, what would you expect from a movie that uses an Image of a Predator looking creature on the cover, but gives us something completely different?  Or better yet, shamelessly rip off TV shows, and other movies trying to create something "original" for a unsuspecting viewing audience?

     The Lost Tribe is an awful movie, and you would be better of saving your money for something else.

-Mr. What?- ( no stars )

Monday, November 22, 2010

Cornered! ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, James Duval, Peter Story, Elizabeth Nicole, Eduardo Antonio Garcia, Ellia English, David Basila, & David Jean Thomas

Directed By Daniel Maze

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1151911/


     Daniel Maze, you should be complemented.  You have given us B Movie Beasts' something to buy, and put into our collection.  Never mind that Mahoney from Police Academy is your biggest name billed, or the fact that this movie was never given a chance be seen with a decent distribution ( other than straight to DVD) You sir, have impressed me and several others, and for that I say Thank-fucking-god.  Cornered! was a trip back to VHS Friday Night Horror Fest.

     As you can obviously tell, I fucking loved this movie.  It's not the best and certainly not the worst, but it has that solid feel that at least somebody tried.  Unlike other so called horror movies, this one had all the right mix of tempo and delivery.  It took a bit for us to really see anything violent, but it the story built up the tension and never backed off.  I guess this is why I find movies like this one so entertaining.

     The story was really simple and didn't focus on too much on just one character, it focused on everybody involved, and how their own fucked up life couldn't matter more than a guy with Bondage mask killing the dick out of everybody.  that alone, besides the choice of mask ( genius ) made for a good believable villain.  Here's the 4-0......

     Somebody is killing convenience store customers and owners inside of the stores.  We happen upon a ratty, trashy store in SO CAL that would rival any ghetto store.  Junkies, phone sex operators, hookers, and a fat ass doughnut eating wimp run the place ( or better yet live there ), while their scumbag boss watches their every movement, records it, and hides the tapes.  One night during their weekly poker match they get locked in the store with a gimp maked killer picks them off one by one.

     Look, this isn't that goddamn unoriginal blue ape movie called Avatar, it's a good rental for a buck, and is EXACTLY the type of movie I could fuck somebody after, or during and not feel like Al Franken.  if you're going to take a chane on a movie. i would highly recommend this one. 

Mr. What ( * * * )

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Afterlife ( 2009 ) Red Box Review

Starring:  Christina Ricci, Liam Neeson, Justin Long, &
 Chandler Canterbury

Directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0838247/


     The Mrs. and I were picking some movies for me  to review, and she came across this.  Actually, she saw Justin Long's name and had to rent it.  I laughed, and read the story line.  Seemed interesting and somewhat original, so what the fuck, I gave it a shot.  I was surprised.  A good cast, original story, and decent pace made for a great viewing.  I'm actually peeved that this didn't get a better push for a major release. 

     I was sucked in by the story, and later by the twists and turns.  The story you ask?  seemingly simple but a little complex at times.  After a horrific car accident, Anna (Ricci) wakes up to find the local funeral director Eliot Deacon (Neeson) preparing her body for her funeral. Confused, terrified and feeling still very much alive, Anna doesn't believe she's dead, despite the funeral director's reassurances that she is merely in transition to the afterlife. Eliot convinces her he has the ability to communicate with the dead and is the only one who can help her. Trapped inside the funeral home, with nobody to turn to except Eliot, Anna is forced to face her deepest fears and accept her own death. But Anna's grief-stricken boyfriend Paul (Long) still can't shake the nagging suspicion that Eliot isn't what he appears to be. As the funeral nears, Paul gets closer to unlocking the disturbing truth, but it could be too late; Anna may have already begun to cross over the other side.

     Truthfully, if you're going to spend 1.00 on a non Hollywood pushed movie, then do so with Afterlife.  At times the pace may seem a bit slow, but be patient, the end is worth the wait alone.  Everybody listed above for the cast was on point, and had their roles locked on their character.  I was the most surprised with Justin Long.  At no point did he seem like he was phoning the performance.  Honestly, if you want something more than the usual cheap movies, then check this one out.

( * * * )

-Mr. What?-

Night of the Demons (2009) Red Box Review

Starring: Shannon Elizabeth, Diora Baird, Edward Furlong, Monica Keena, John F. Beach, & Bobbi Sue Luther

Directed by Adam Gierasch


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1268809/


     For as much as it wants to be, Night Of The Demons is nothing more than a waste of money.  There is nothing worth comparing to the Original 1988 movie.  NOTD felt like it was a half ass attempt at doing a decent remake, but fell terribly short, panicked, and sent this garbage straight to DVD.  In hindsight i wish it was never released.

     The story was simple enough to play with.  A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons.  simple stuff right?  The original movie was, at best, a decent B horror movie with the right mix of comedy and horror.  The remake was an epic fail.  The list of reasons why it was awful is plenty, but I'll try to condense it.

     For starters, getting Shannon Elizabeth to play the role of Angela was a bad mistake.  Hello?  she was the wrong person to cast for this movie, and her attempt at acting more than proves it.  The music soundtrack was another horrible misfire.  Almost every song played throughout the movie felt misplaced and unfitting.  Yeah, Type O Negative is cool, but hearing Black No. 1 during the part it was chosen for felt off, and was kinda cheesy.

     With all of the bad timing, laughable story, and even worse casting, there were some funny parts.  I laughed the hardest at the terrified party goer who asked the best question heard in a bad horror movie recently.  "How do you know that Pantry isn't french for fucking death trap?!?!"
With that scene and a few others it made me not so pissed that I wasted a 1.00 on the rental, but didn't take away the let down of seeing one of Fav. B movies being desecrated by the foreign chick from American Pie with the shaved pussy.

     If you want to see a Demon have forced anal sex with a chick and turn her into a demon, then rent this flick.

-Mr What?- ( * * )
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